hiding behind other people's sung words

"It's like I'm pressed on the handle bars
Of a blind man's bike
No straws to grab, just the rushing wind
On the rolling mind"
Spilt Needles - The Shins

It's strange how emotionally sensitive I truly am. And that I'm a lot like my father. A lot more than I want to be.

Yes, my health hasn't been great. And I'm stretched a little thin. Two jobs, school, trying to maintain a shred of a once-thriving social life, figuring out what I am really going to do and how I'm going to do it.

It's been four years since I graduated high school. I'm only now completing my first successful semester of college. Well, I shouldn't speak so soon, I have a month left. The only real accomplishment I've done in the last four years has been moving 600 miles away and experiencing a new state, really leaving my comfort zone.

"Like the naked leads the blind
I know I'm selfish, I'm unkind
Sucker love I always find
Someone to bruise and leave behind"
Every Me Every You - Placebo

I am not a weak person. In fact, I'm quite the bitch. But I can be a helpless person. Many times stubborn and arrogant, many times irritable and foul, and many times ungrateful and selfish. You can't help me with those things.

But I digress. I'm a very emotional person, as aggravating as I find that. Today I felt extremely exhausted and stressed. Not to mention I had a cyst removed from my left shoulder blade today and the stitches hurt like a bitch.

So when my mother called me and said my 1 year old nephew was in the hospital and they think he might have a hole in his heart, I freaked.

"I was just a boy like every other
I thought I was something fierce
I thought I was ten times smarter
Love would be something that I just know
How you gonna know the feeling till you've lost it?
I've been losing plenty since"
Always Be - Jimmy Eat World

One thing I really thought about for most of the night was, "I really could use someone in my life right now." Then I thought how pathetic that must sound, that I should be able to do this on my own. But the truth is, I don't fucking want to. I want to be in love. And I have no idea if I'm even capable of it.

I am not a martyr. This is the fucking shit hole of life and everything that goes with it. The truth is, I was sheltered. I was what some may say "lucky" for not experiencing true worry and loss. My life has been this gleeful romp of fortunate situations and it has forever damned me to these uncontrollable outbursts when everything goes wrong.

"That's when it turned on me
A motorcade of 'meant to be's'
Parades of beauty queens
Where soft entwines make kindling
These many detailed things
Like broken nails and plastic rings
Will win by keeping me
From speaking to my new darling
And there's no way to know
Our future foe scenarios
That's when it turned on me
Where bobby pins hold angel wings

It's alright"
Future Foe Scenarios - Silversun Pickups

I must adjust. Before I lose anything else.

-Brock-