Sunday, August 30, 2009

Blogging the fuck out of this lame-ass summer....

It's been a long time since I've updated this blog. Wow, that's strange, for me to start something and then not commit to it....

...either way, this summer deserves a blogging. I'm gonna blog the fuck out of this summer.

It started off simple enough. I finally stopped talking to my ex who did nothing but emotionally twist me into a nervous, insecure mess. I still had the job at the comic book store, and I had finally felt settled into my place in Todd's house, living with him, Josh, and Puppy. We threw massive parties (much bigger than Todd's tiny house) and I drank...a lot. Chris was in town all summer from Bloomington, an added plus. Everything just felt...normal. Boring, but normal.

Then the fun began.

First, there was Jay (name changed out of respect). One night in early summer, two of my friends from Auburn had come to visit me, and begged me to go out. Coincidentally, Dan was gathering people to go to Babylon. I did not feel up for it, but Robin and Stefanie (friends from Auburn) really wanted to go out. I finally caved, and for the first time ever, I barely tried to look good before going to the gay bar. I was not looking for anyone (I was still slightly hung up on my ex) and I just wanted to go and dance and drink. We went, and Dan was already plastered. I asked him who all was going to show up, and he listed off the usuals, and then he said, "And my friend Jay's coming. You'll probably think he's cute."

And he was. Very much so.

We talked, and it was very friendly. What I found strange was that he seemed to hang around me and my two friends from Auburn, and no one else. I asked him to dance, to which he replied, "I don't dance with guys." My reply to him was, "It's a fucking gay bar." And off I went with Robin to the dance floor.

I told him goodbye that night and he said it was really nice meeting me. I thought about him all week, and pestered Dan for details. I got to hang out with him by chance one night, meeting up with Dan at Henry's and going to this girl's apartment to smoke weed. This girl also happened to be friends with Jay, and he was there. I got really nervous, then really stoned, and didn't talk to him all night. I felt like an asshole.

Then he gave me his number. Where is this charm I must possess? I've really never noticed it, but dammit I can get numbers.

We talked. We drank. He spent the night. I was impressed, he seemed to be to. I didn't want to rush things (thoughts of my ex dancing in my head), but I liked him. And I began to really like him. And then things got weird.

We dated for two months, but it didn't feel like anything substantial. I enjoyed his company, enjoyed falling asleep next to him, and everything else. But he always seemed distant and readily blew me off to hang out with his friends and such. One night, after he had a fight with his parents, he asked if he could spend the night. I said, "Of course!" and then I didn't hear from him for the rest of the night. The next day I learned he drove to Ohio to visit a friend or something and never bothered to tell me. I called him, freaked out on him, and thoroughly made myself seem like a clingy, desperate fag. But, in retrospect, he was an asshole about it.

We continued to date for another week or so. Then we didn't talk for two weeks. I wasn't going to try to get a hold of him for my own pride (and visions of my ex still dancing in my head). Finally, I texted him. No reply. Another text sent to him. Still no reply. Then this text conversation was held:

Me: "I don't know what happened here. I'm not mad and I don't hate you or anything, I'm just disappointed. But obviously I'm moving on from this. I like you, but there is only so much I can do to get you to be with me. See ya sometime, I guess."

Two hours pass...

Jay: "You're a great guy. Best of luck."

And it was officially over, whatever we had. I was tore up for a couple weeks (this event did not help my insecurity) but I found solace in friends, weed, and liquor.

Then the important stuff happened, right at the end of July.

Last summer, when my doctor was trying to figure out my generalized anxiety disorder, had me get a thyroid ultrasound. There was a small bump (also known as a nodule) on my right thyroid, but the doctor didn't seem concerned, he just wanted to keep an eye on it. I then forgot about it for a year.

For some reason, I reminded my doctor that I hadn't gotten a nodule on my thyroid checked out in year. After an ultrasound of my thyroid, I found out that the nodule had grown and I needed to see a thyroid specialist (who was a very handsome man, by the way). The first thing they did was scrape the nodule with a needle to collect cells and figure out the nature of the growing nodule. It was determined to be a tumor, but the nature of the tumor was unknown. I had to have surgery where half my thyroid would be removed. You have two sides to your thyroid, and when one is taken away, the other picks up the slack, like your kidneys. So really, it didn't seem like a big deal. I don't mind hospitals or surgery, and there's always killer pain medicine. And I got to miss a week of work.

I first should have suspected something when the thyroid specialist's office moved my follow-up post-operation appointment to an earlier date. I figured I could go on my own, that it was to much trouble to bother anyone in my family to go with me. So there I was, alone with the handsome thyroid specialist in a small, white room.

He told me I had thyroid cancer. I would have to get my other thyroid removed.

Here's some facts on thyroid cancer: it is a completely curable cancer with a 97% survival rate. But you couldn't have told me that that day.

I kept strong for a week, even making jokes about it. I guy at work lovingly called me "Cancer Geek" and it was generally unscary. And then, two nights before the second surgery, I had a nervous breakdown. I had cancer! Jesus Christ, I had cancer! I was facing my own mortality! After a night of crying and hyperventilating, I accepted that it would be inconvenient, painful, and expensive, but I would not die from thyroid cancer.

The second operation was harder for some reason. I was really out of it for a week. And living without a thyroid is no walk in the park. You feel tired and fatigued constantly. The good news: everything they removed from the second surgery was cancer-free, meaning that it didn't spread. But I would have to have a treatment called Radioactive Iodine treatment, and then after that I would have to take a pill every day for the rest of my life.

And that brings us to the present. I'm still sort of recovering from my last surgery (the wound is pretty wicked) and I'm really just adjusting to operating without a thyroid. I start the Radioactive Iodine treatment in a month, and then I start taking the synthetic hormone soon after.

And that, literally, has been my summer. Of course, lots of other bad shit happened, but it didn't really involve me, just a friend or a family member. So I would feel bad by association. But if the whole cancer fiasco showed me anything, it's that I have amazing family and friends who really do care about me. That was nice to know.

On a somewhat lighter note, I found a new favorite TV show. Being Human on BBC America is the story of a vampire, a werewolf, and a ghost sharing a flat in Bristol and trying desperately to fit into humanity. It's wildly entertaining. At first, I was pissed at it, having had the idea of monsters resenting their monsterness in a comic book series that floated in my head for years now. But I got over it when openly gay British actor Russell Tovey (who plays the werewolf) showed his butt in the first episode. That started a somewhat unhealthy obsession with him (what can I say? I'm lonely) but introduced me to other great movies and plays that he was a part of. Mostly, it just got me in the mood to write.

I'm going to do great things with my writing one day. I want to write everything: comic books, TV shows, movies, plays, etc. I just need to develop ambition and drive, and trust my instincts. And quit being a whiny bitch.

Sounds like a plan, right?

How was your summer?


Friday, November 28, 2008

an arguement

Derek looked at me through slitted eyes.

"Kill him," he said.

I laughed.

"Are you serious?" I asked him. "It was five years ago."

"All the pain...all those fucked up relationships that will do nothing?" His devious smile haunted me.

"I will be his friend. I'm over it. It's stupid to rehash unnecessary feelings and pointless drama. Five years has gone by since I met him. I will do nothing."

"You disappoint me, Brock. I fear this side of you will only warrant defeat and heartache."

"You're the side of me that warrants defeat and heartache. To give in to all ill-willed emotions, that is the not my way."

His devious smiled faded into a twisted frown. He started to back out of the room, engulfed in darkness. As the last remnants of his face darkened completely, he spoke.

"He will be the death of you."

He was right, of course. But I can't give in to Derek. I must find someone else to give in to.


Wednesday, November 12, 2008

Derek's dilemma

It was raining and God wasn't smiling on me.

Bet it had to do with the threesome I had the night before.

Everyone seems to have it out for me. But I am paranoid. The slashing of tires? Coincidental. The pelting of my apartment window? Most likely accidental. Yeah, I'm just paranoid.

I wish people would let me breath. Narrow (that's what I call her now) said that I'm not letting myself breath. What does she know? She's one of the oppressors!

Speaking of oppression, my mother is trying to marry her longtime love, Donald. I hate him.

More to come.


Wednesday, September 3, 2008

a journey disrupted - part 1

Saint, Thrill, Derek, and Purity protect a boy named Thomas from forces that wish to use him for evil. Sounds awesome, right? A villain, the Equivalent, wishes to kill Thomas so her power is stronger. This is one of their encounters.

It was raining when Thomas awoke in the car, curled up between Purity's lap and Derek's leg. Saint was still vigilantly driving while Thrill stared at the road from the passenger's seat. The air was cold, like early morning. The digital clock illuminated in green on the dashboard read 6:12 p.m. The sky was darkened. Thomas was scared.

"Where are we?" he asked sleepily.

"Some piece of shit-" Saint began.

"SAINT!" Purity snipped.

"Some...podunk town in Ohio. I give us another two days and we'll be there," Saint finished.

Derek yawned. "I'm gonna need to eat soon."

"We might have to skip a meal tonight. We need money," Thrill stated, still staring forward as the road disappeared beneath the car's wheels. Derek groaned in disappointment, then leaned lazily to his side and closed his eyes. Thomas watched him for a moment then followed his lead, closing his eyes and hoping he could fall back asleep. The cold made him queasy.

When his lids shut completely, he saw her staring at him.

Thomas jumped up, knocking Derek and Purity with is elbows. "She's close!" he yelled in reflex.

"The Equivalent..." Saint muttered before hitting the gas. "Are you sure, Thomas?"

Thrill's focus on the road had become narrowed. "Fuck..." she whispered without moving her lips. Her arm still hurt from the last disruption they had.

"Don't ask him that. He doesn't ever know if he's sure," Purity defended.

"She's close!" Thomas yelled again.

In the distance, her breath became heightened. She felt a hand on her shoulder and power surged through her. She felt the rain land on her face and then evaporate. "Go now," she told him. The figure behind her straightened. "You will catch them if you go now." He leapt through the trees toward the bridge. She watched him and smiled.

Saint was beginning to fatigue. His arms and hands had become numb, his eyes dry and red, and the foot on the gas pedal was heavier. The gray sky and cold rain only relaxed him further. When Thomas announced that the Equivalent was near, he was disappointed to find that his body did not respond as accurately as he had hoped. If a fight was near, he doubted their chances.

Thomas was in Purity's arms, her curly brown hair falling around his head. Derek was staring back and fourth at Thrill and Saint, trying desperately to catch an idea of what they should do.

Thrill reached in the glove compartment and pulled out the gun. It gleamed in the reflection of the watery windshield.

A bridge was up ahead.

She smiled brighter as she walked toward the bridge. She saw their car down the road. She looked below and watched the river thrash violently in the storm. It was perfect.

"She's at the bridge!" Thomas screamed.

Saint slammed on the brakes. The crew lurched forward before catching on their seat belts. Thomas bounced in Purity's lap.

"What the fuck-" Derek began.

"DEREK!" Purity snipped.

"What the...hell are we going to do?"

Saint gripped the steering wheel for a moment, focusing on the small metal bridge ahead. The trees on the roadside completely blocked the view of the river below, but the wind occasionally blew the branches aside long enough for Saint to take in the choppy dark water. He could fly, he couldn't fly all of them. If he drove the car, it would be attacked. If they attacked the bridge, the car would sink fast. If they walked, they couldn't get anywhere. If...

That's when the car began to move forward at an alerting speed. Saint glanced down. His foot was still on the brake.

She smiled as she watched him push the car. What a great power, she thought to herself, to be invisible and have unbelievable strength. Such a surprise it must be to them.

"Saint, stop the fucking car!" Thrill yelled over the isolated tires screeching against the gravel road.

"I CAN'T!" he yelled back.

Thomas held his head in his arms and started to think really hard.

The car reached the bridge. It kept going until it was in the middle of the two-car-length bridge. Then everything was still.

Yes, she thought...

Thrill cocked the gun. Derek took off his seat belt and stared at his hands. A dull glow came from the circles in his palms. Purity looked around the area frantically.

"How did the car move? I didn't see anyone!"

"Get out of the car," Saint instructed.

"Are you insane?" Purity yelled.

Thrill and Derek began to open the car doors diligently. Saint turned in the driver's seat.

"Stay in here. Protect him," Saint told Purity. Then he exited the car.

The rain was in a torrential downpour. It was hard to see. But Saint could make out a form, moving at him quickly.

Thrill shot the gun. Saint was falling over the side of the bridge. Derek shot a beam in the air, simply instinctively. His left hand smoldered in the rain.

She watched as he dove off the side with Saint beneath him. How smart he is, she thought. Then she began to think really hard.

The bridge began to sway.

Thrill and Derek were listening for a splash. Saint never hit the water.

Then the ground beneath them disappeared.

They were falling. Derek shot his hands beneath him in a frenzy. The water leapt at the beams.

He heard a giant splash and his heart sank. The car... Then he hit the water. Hard.

I'll continue when I see fit.


Monday, August 18, 2008

Fictional Letter

Listen, I really don't need this shit. You either talk to me cause you're serious about making this happen or don't talk to me at all. If you choose the latter, have fun trying to find another guy to fuck behind your girlfriend's back. Hope the closet is big enough for all the shit that comes along with you. And, go fuck yourself.


Wednesday, August 6, 2008

Ten points of interest....

1.) Love my job. Don't get paid enough, but enjoy it none-the-less. Getting ready for the boss to be gone for a week where I will fill in for him. That's right; for a week, I'm going to be running a comic book store. I can strike that off my 'list of accomplishments before 25'.

2.) Need to quit smoking. Not concerned about health reasons (I could care less) but I am concerned with money. Fucking economy.

3.) Burgeoning romantic possibilities. More to come.

4.) Re-connecting with old friends to show that I still care. Trying desperately to wash myself clean of apathy. Successful results to (hopefully) come soon.

5.) Turn 23 in five weeks. Makes me think of "23" by Jimmy Eat World. Also, makes me wanna cry.

6.) Still in love with Minus the Bear. (Greatest.Band.Ever.EVER.)

7.) Interested in getting back into theatre. Still pondering and weighing my options.

8.) Family is good, although I'm realizing that they're better individually than together. Can't stand the tension.

9.) Saw The Dark Knight three times the first weekend it was released. One of the best comic book movies ever made.

10.) Reading comic books like I'll die tomorrow. Slowly realizing I should have been a superhero.

That is all. Hope you feel as enlightened as I have become.


Thursday, July 17, 2008

Collection of current sins and knowledge...

God, this is weird.

I find myself in situations I didn't expect, talking to those on random surprise moments and filling myself with escapism. Comic books and my job take up most of my time, and TV. Friends are so scattered and varied, I don't know who I can truly open myself up to and be emotional towards. A lot of it is in my head. A lot of it is just the moment in time, adjusting and flexing, reaching some climax and finally settling.

I stopped hurting those who didn't need it. I stopped hurting myself in ways that are tougher than you would think. This is a time of reconnection. So many loose ends needing to be tied...

I'm not a stronger person. I just know now what it takes to be strong, and I'm attempting to apply it to my person. It's a constant stress, really exhausting. But needed.

Mainly, I've accepted that I don't know a fucking thing. And people can't be truly understood. Not all the way.